Villainous Villains Part 6

-

Yes, it is actually illegal to spam people in Canada.


But Spam Man was dreamt up before it was. And he started as a joke.

I have memories (but then again, mine's not so good) of sitting in the lobby of our dentist's office and I and my dad were joking. I'm not sure what it was about, but all I remember is him incorrectly pronouncing Sandman, as in one of Spiderman's villains. It came out Spam Man and he joked about what kind of villain would send spam mail to people. I could not stop laughing.

And then like four years later, I wrote a graphic novel about him. Actually, I think he was the one character I always had from the start.

I don't know why, but something about this guy just stuck with me. An image of the large, bulky, and overly brash man that you see in this story had been created in my mind and he never left. But it turns out that my dad had the complete opposite image of him. He had always imaged your stereotypical nerd in a basement just emailing people. To this day, he still doesn't understand my vision of the character. To be fair, I really don't either. That's just simply the way he always was to me.

But I remember being so excited when they announced the anti-spamming legislation because it meant that he was really, truly a villain. He was breaking the law now and everything.

And, as he points out, he's technically the most villainous of them all. You wouldn't find Technomancer committing crimes like that.


PAGE 32

Panel 1: Spam Man walks across the apartment with the pizza boxes while the others watch in silence. Tinman sits in the chair, Brain has been set down on the corner of the coffee table, along with several cans of drinks, and Technomancer sits at one end of the couch.

SPAM MAN: Pizza’s here.

Panel 2: Spam Man sits down at the other end of the couch and everyone takes a slice of pizza from the boxes on the coffee table. All four of them try to avoid eye contact with one another, all looking very uncomfortable and awkward.

Panel 3: Everyone sits with their slices of pizza and Brain just has a piece placed on the coffee table in front of him. Their eyes turn to Tinman.

SPAM MAN: ...Why do you even have pizza? You’re a robot.

Panel 4: Tinman looks sadly at his slice of pizza. He holds it up with two hands, examining it.

TINMAN: I... I d-don’t know. I just… I kinda felt left out… or s-something, I guess. I...S-sorry, I’ll… I’ll just p-put it back.

Panel 5: Tinman no longer holds a slice pizza and everyone has gone back to being very uncomfortable and awkward.

Panel 6: Technomancer looks around at the group.

TECHNOMANCER: So…


PAGE 33

Panel 1: They are all still and silent.

Panel 2: Everyone suddenly starts to talk all at once, cutting each off, and all look bewildered and making big gestures. They are freaking out.

TECHNOMANCER: What is going on?!? The news said-

SPAM MAN: I’m famous! People actually-

TINMAN: Who even a-are you? I d-don’t- I c-can’t-

BRAIN: I can’t even hold pizza, let alone eat-

Panel 3: Technomancer holds up his hands, motioning for everyone to stop. The others all freeze in place, looking at Technomancer.  

TECHNOMANCER: Everybody stop.

Panel 4: Technomancer talks to the others.

TECHNOMANCER: Let’s try this again.

Panel 5: Technomancer gestures to himself as he starts to stand up from the couch.

TECHNOMANCER: I’ll go first.


PAGE 34

Panel 1: Spam Man shoves Technomancer back down onto the couch as he stands up himself.  Everyone watches him.

SPAM MAN: I’ll go first.

Panel 2: Spam Man talks. He is annoyed and tries to look menacing.

SPAM MAN: I don’t know who any of you losers are, but you all got me arrested for something I didn’t do.

Panel 3: He points at the others. Technomancer looks unimpressed.

SPAM MAN: Now you’d better-

TECHNOMANCER: Yeah, I meant more like we try to make sense of what’s going on.

Panel 4: Spam Man glares down at Technomancer, who doesn’t bother to look back.

SPAM MAN: I’m still going first.

Panel 5: Spam Man places one hand on his chest, gesturing to himself as he talks.

SPAM MAN: The news just said I was a famous villain.

TECHNOMANCER: Actually, they said- (gets cut off by Spam Man)

SPAM MAN: Great. Good for me. I deserve to be famous. But they also said that you were all famous villains, and they, unfortunately, assumed that you’re on a team with me.


PAGE 35

Panel 1: Technomancer gets up from the couch.

TECHNOMANCER: So we’ll just leave. This whole thing has been a huge misunderstanding. I don’t know you, I’ve got appointments to go to, and you obviously don’t like any of us.

SPAM MAN: Oh, I don’t like you, but I’m not letting you go anywhere.

Panel 2: Spam Man and Technomancer talk.

TECHNOMANCER: What? Why?

SPAM MAN: Because I’m going to make the villain team everyone thinks you and I are into a real team. And if you’re on a team with me, I can make sure…

Panel 3: Spam Man glares menacingly at everyone.

SPAM MAN: …that you don’t rat me out to the cops.

Panel 4: Spam Man reaches for a piece of paper on the coffee table.

SPAM MAN: And as long as I have a villain team, I’m going to do…

Panel 5: Close up of the paper as Spam Man holds it up. It’s a flyer for Magnum City’s villain convention. It’s a black with a skull in the middle. At the top of the poster are the words “VILLAIN CON” in red. At the bottom are the words “By invitation only. Only the highest ranking villains will receive an invitation. You’ll know who you are.” Below that, in fine print, it reads “Those who attempt to attend without an invitation will be incinerated by death rays on the spot.”

SPAM MAN (off-panel): ...this.


PAGE 36

Panel 1: Technomancer looks really skeptical. Brain looks very excited. Tinman sits upright and tightly grips the arms of his chair in fear.

TECHNOMANCER, BRAIN, TINMAN: What!?

Panel 2: Spam Man looks with disapproval at everyone while Brain is very excited.

BRAIN: That’s the biggest villain event in the whole country! I heard that you have to have kidnapped the Prime Minister at least twice to even be considered for an invitation.

SPAM MAN: And I’ve been trying to get an invite for years but only the highest-ranking villains get invited. This team seems to be my only chance to boost my own rank.

Panel 3: Technomancer holds up a finger.

TECHNOMANCER: But you’re forgetting one thing.

Panel 4: Spam Man and Technomancer talk.

TECHNOMANCER: We aren’t actually villains, we were just framed for something we didn’t do! We don’t know who tried to steal that piece of technology, we don’t know each other, none of us have any experience-

SPAM MAN: Hey!

Panel 5: Spam Man boasts while Technomancer looks like he thinks he must be joking.

SPAM MAN: I’ll have you know that I am actually a notorious villain! I’ve turned the lives of countless people upside down through a little something I like to call spamming.

TECHNOMANCER: Spamming? You mean you send annoying emails?  

Panel 6: Spam Man turns angrily on Technomancer, pointing to him with one finger. Technomancer takes a sip from a drink can, ignoring Spam Man.

SPAM MAN: I’ll have you know that I have been breaking the law in Canada since July 1st, 2014, when they enacted the anti-spamming legislation! So it seems to me that I’m the only one here who’s an actual villain!


PAGE 37

Panel 1: Spam Man talks.

SPAM MAN: Now as villains, you’re gonna need some evil names if anyone’s going to take this team seriously.

Panel 2: As Spam Man questions him, Technomancer looks surprised, if he expected not to be asked anything.

SPAM MAN: You. Can you do anything else besides being annoying?

Panel 3: Technomancer looks like he doesn’t want to share this.

TECHNOAMANCER: ...I… have powers.

Panel 4: Technomancer is reluctant to talk about this.

TECHNOMANCER: I can… Um… bring dead... technology back to life. Phones really… Yeah, mostly phones. I mean, I’ve been told it’s not something…

Panel 5: Spam Man makes an overexaggerated laughing motion and points at Technomancer who glares back.

SPAM MAN: HA! You’re a human phone charger!

TECHNOMANCER: That’s not nice. And it’s not like I asked for the world’s stupidest powers, they just sort of happened!


PAGE 38

Panel 1: Spam Man wipes away a fake tear as he stops laughing.

SPAM MAN: I’m gonna call you Technomancer! It’s a mashup of the words technology and necromancer. See? It’s clever!

Panel 2: Tinman looks surprised as Spam Man suddenly points to him.

SPAM MAN: You, robot!

Panel 3: Tinman looks scared.

SPAM MAN: Your villain name is gonna be Tinman!

TINMAN: N-no, please... I c-can’t-

SPAM MAN: Tinman!

Panel 4: Brain looks very excited, clenching his arms. Spam Man looks bored.

BRAIN: Oh! What about me!?! What’s my name? How about The Incredible Intellect? Oh, oh! Or what about The Killer Cranium?

SPAM MAN: Your name is… um… Brain. Yeah. Sure. Brain.

BRAIN: Yesssss!

Panel 5: Spam Man talks boastingly.

SPAM MAN: And as leader of this group of villainy, I will have the most impressive and terrifying name of all! Spam Man!


PAGE 39

Panel 1: Spam Man talks.

SPAM MAN: Now, this team is pretty high in the rankings, but not high enough. If I’m gonna make it to that convention, I’m going to have to make you guys into a proper villain team!

Panel 2: Spam Man talks.

SPAM MAN: I’ve already thought of my next, devious crime- (gets cut off by Technomancer)

TECHNOMANCER: There wasn’t even a first one- (gets cut off by Spam Man)

SPAM MAN: -and it happens tomorrow! It’s foolproof, it’s sure to boost my rank!

Panel 3: Spam Man places one foot on the coffee table and boldly declares the place of their next crime.

TECHNOMANCER: Are you going to tell us where?

 SPAM MAN: In front of the largest bank in the city!

Panel 4: Technomancer raises an eyebrow while Spam Man, still posing dramatically, doesn’t even look at him.

TECHNOMANCER: We don’t have a choice here, do we?

SPAM MAN: No, you do not.

To be continued...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Word Monster Part 2

-
Visual Word Humour? Yes, please. Honestly, the drool joke in this part is why I love this script so much. There's so much you can do when your character's made out of words. Read Part 1 Here              EXT. AGATHA’S HOUSE - DAY Joel stands outside Agatha’s door with some paper and a pencil case. He takes a breath and knocks on the door. The monster opens it and stares at Joel. Joel squirms under his gaze. After a moment, Agatha comes to the door. AGATHA Upstairs. ...
Read more

Villainous Villains Part 5

-
In which our heroes - er, villains - order pizza. And, you know, they learn some really important things too. I'm slightly ashamed of this whole shadowy figure trope that I fall into in this part, but if there's anything I've learned from three years of screenwriting and a horrid creative writing class, it's that it's okay to be cliche. You know that's true because it rhymes. But moving on, it took me a long while to figure out the logistics of the whole villain list, and, if being honest, I still don't' really know how it works.  How does the ranking system work? Are there points?   What constitutes a great crime?  Does any petty criminal get be on it or do you have to have a costume? These are things I still don't know.  The rules of world-building were something I wasn't as familiar with when I wrote this and so much of writing for me, even now, is just instincts and feelings. Instead of rules and logic of a world that I plan out and follow, ...
Read more

Villainous Villains Part 4

-
So  two guys, a robot, and a brain in a jar get arrested... Here's the next part of my favourite graphic novel about weird villains. If I ever write a sequel, and believe me I have ideas, I'd love to bring back Violet Shadow in a big way. She has such a small part here, but I'd like to see what she could do on her own and how her feeling towards our four villains change after the events of this story.  Read Part 1 Here Read Part 2 Here Read Part 3 Here PAGE 18 Panel 1: In the gloom of night, the police transport moves along a street on the edge of the city. Panel 2: It stops at a red traffic light. Panel 3: From a nearby building, a shadowed figured drops down on top of the police transport The policemen in front don’t see a thing. Panel 4: The policeman driving checks his side mirror and sees nothing. Panel 5: In the back of the transport, Spam Man, Technomancer, Brain, and Tinman have all fallen asleep. Panel 6: Close up of the barred window in the back door o...
Read more